Hope vs. Fear

So I thought I was doing alright. I thought I could manage a little portion of fear along with a full helping of hope. But I'm not doing so well at it. I'm not convincing myself inwardly of the strength I'm showing outwardly. My mind is already playing tricks on me--thinking we've said goodbye and GG is already off in Iraq. We haven't even yet to file the appeal! What is my problem?!

It's all George Strait's fault! His song "Run" played today from a beautiful mix made by GG's cousin two years ago for her wedding. In the song he speaks to the woman he loves, encouraging her to come to him as fast as she can. As I listen, old familiar feelings of longing from GG's first deployment reappear. I remember aching for GG day after day; wishing to have him close and feel his presence and hoping he would make it home. There were strong times, but also depraved ones. I don't want for us to have to do it again. I don't want for my GG to have to endure a deployment against his will.

I become so angered... but then so sad. I am not strong, but weak. I am human.

And then I think of Christ, praying in the Garden of Gethsemane and preparing for the cross. I feel his inner turmoil as he prays for "this cup" to be taken from him. He knew the future. He knew his destiny, yet he still wept and pleaded with God for it not to be so.

So I guess my fear and stray tears today are here to help me grasp a small portion of Christ's angst in the garden. How timely as we all look ahead to Good Friday.