Today we got the wonderful news that Baby G is growing beautifully. She is 60th% for height, 45th% for weight, and 90th% for head circumference (she gets it from her mama ;). While at her 4 month check today, she absolutely charmed the pants off the doc. She was laughing, smiling, and talking with our pediatrician, wiggling all around, and just being all-around adorable. The doc swept her up after the exam and carried her on her hip to finish her notes. Meanwhile, G kept trying to steal pens out of the doc's coat pocket. Cute! She got compliments for her advanced fine motor skills ;).
All this to say, she's doing really great and we THANK THE GOOD LORD for this. It is such a blessing and one that I don't take lightly. We are so very very blessed and we know it.
But (you knew it was coming) it the midst of this wonderful visit, we got the news that she is still testing heme-positive in her diapers. And when I say positive, we're talking immediately and strongly blue for the results. Seriously? I almost fell out of my chair, I was so surprised. This is after 3 months of being dairy-free and now 2 months soy-free. I really thought we had turned a corner and were seeing more positive results from her--less mucous in the stools, less green, etc., etc. It was a total downer to hear. But then came the ultimate downer--I have to stop breast-feeding. Bummer of all bummers.
The bottom line is that my breastmilk is not good for my baby. It causes her intestines to bleed. For her to continue bleeding could make her more susceptible to future colitis, anemic from the blood loss, and generally, jeopardize her growth. We obviously don't want that.
Breast-feeding is all I know how to do. It's what I do with my babies for the first 12 months of their lives. It's what I've done through four children. I know how to do it better than a lot of other things. And now I have to start over. I don't know how to do that. I feel like I'm coming home from the hospital for the first time ever with a newborn. No more experience to fall back on, just a wide-eyed mama with no clue.
In addition, I am going to try to pump through the next two weeks to the next heme test, where if her intestines have healed enough, we *might* get to add breast-feeding back in a little bit to see if the healing is all she needed. So now, in addition to learning how to bottle feed (and get her to drink the stuff, which proved to be a challenge tonight!), I also have to manage pumping and keeping my milk supply up. Yikes! I'm definitely stressed at the thought. Instead of heading out now with my nursing cover in tow OR packing a bottle to feed, I am going to have to pack said bottle and schlep my pump. And since I have to pump more frequently, the schedules will no longer be concurrent or easy to follow. Oh, and how am I supposed to do this with 4 other kids in tow?????
I flipped out tonight a little (okay, maybe a lot :) to Geoff. Poor guy. He bears the brunt of all the extra the world doesn't see. Isn't that the beauty and the curse of spouses? They are there for us, but then we save our garbage for them. Sorry, hon! My external processing got the better of me. I will say, he was very calm and handled it well, coaching me through. Good man. The most frustrating part of our "discussion" was that baby G was rejecting the bottle the entire time. I then ended up pumping and putting half formula/half breastmilk in, which she seemed to enjoy much more than solely formula. Still, I only got 3 oz. in her! Tonight should be interesting, to say the least.
So that's my story tonight. I have to press on, just when we were really starting to find our groove. It's a bummer, but there are many disappointing things in life and we don't always get our way. For now I ask for your prayers as we surmount this little bump in the road. I know as I type this is SO SO small potatoes, but it is still challenging and I could still use some assistance from the Big Man for peace throughout. Thank you so much!
Keep on, keeping on.
God bless,
5 comments:
Ugh! Just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through this! I can't imagine what a blow it would be to have to stop nursing, especially after all your sacrifices to make it work. Also, I think that you can cut yourself some slack on the pumping because your body obviously knows how to make milk. If you aren't able to pump as frequently as baby G typically eats, I would think that once you (hopefully) resume nursing your body would quickly readapt to meeting her needs. With 4 other children, a busy schedule, and learning a whole new way to feed, fitting in every pump session just seems overwhelming. Baby G is lucky to have a mom who is willing to do whatever it takes for her to be healthy.
So sorry to hear this! I breastfed my daughter (now 2.5) for a full year, but ended up with terrible mastitis with my son and had to stop breastfeeding him from one side at 3 months. The other side didn't step up to the task, so he was completely formula-fed by by 4.5 months.
It was so, so hard! Remember to be kind to yourself during this transition - the abrupt hormone drop is very real. Something that has helped me emotionally is bottle nursing - though some may think bottles could make it easier for you to be away, my husband and I agreed that I would almost always feed the baby, similar to what we would do if I was nursing. I'm very glad we made this decision, because losing the emotional closeness of nursing was my biggest fear.
Prayers for peace for you and baby G!
B, I know you already know this, but there is SO MUCH more to being the best mom to Baby G than nursing her. You are amazing (as evidenced by all the sacrifices you've made so far to keep breastfeeding). Although this must be incredibly frustrating right now, before you know it, Baby G will be 100% healthy and thriving and it won't matter how she got that way. I pray that you will be able to continue breastfeeding after she heals for a bit. But regardless, you should pat yourself on the back for being such a selfless, hard working, loving, and incredibly attentive mother. I admire you so much!
Aww - sorry to read of your frustration.
Both of my girls were primarily bottle fed for a number of reasons.
Although it wasn't my plan going in, I tried to focus on the positives: you can get help with the feedings when you need/want to, it will make the transition to a cup easier, you can get a great handle on any allergies with some of the special formulas, and insurance will now cover those hefty price tags.
Sending good thoughts your way!
Erin
Oh B! I know this is so hard. I think the best thing you can do is to take the pressure off of yourself. Ask yourself what you're getting worked up about specifically and address those issues one at a time.
I know that breastfeeding is important for the health benefits, but in this situation it might not be the best for her health at this point. If you are able to return to it in the future, great and if not, she has received great benefit from the time you have been able to breastfeed her. Her immune system IS boosted because of what you have already done. Mission accomplished.
No doubt there will be a mourning over the loss of that sweet time with her and that is real and it's okay to go there. But know that it will be temporary. Just as it was hard to stop nursing all of your babes, it'll be tough but you will both pass through it to the other side a-okay.
Perhaps a call to a lactation consultant on ways to sustain milk supply during this trial of formula would provide you some practical expert advice (I know I sometimes feel immediately better after talking to an expert; sorry GG...)
As for pumping...I agree with a previous comment. Cut yourself some slack on the schedule of pumping. Definitely do it in the morning and at night and try to find a couple of times during the day where you can pull it off. Get a dual electric pump. They are much faster than the manual pumps.
I wish I had some advice for how to get her to take a bottle. Maybe have GG try?
I hope this comes across as intended. I tell ya, as I get older, I feel like I get less and eloquent. Putting together complete thoughts is so hard these days.
I also hope that I've been a help to you because you have always been a big help to me when it comes to being a Mama!
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